Saturday, June 15, 2013

Here Come the Chickens

       The Department of Justice last week announced that it's considering sending federal monitors to New York City to monitor the NYPD's  'stop and frisk' policy because it might be unconstitutional and might even be in violation of the right to due process of many in New York's minority communities.
        What?! Federal monitors in New York?!
        But, but, federal monitors are supposed to go to Mississippi and Alabama and Georgia and South Carolina and places like that. They need federal monitors down there because they're... the South!!!
       We don't need federal monitors. We're the North. We're liberals and progressives and...Democrats. We go to Central Park and do the wave. Then we sing about poverty and social justice and racial harmony. It's so sad it sometimes makes us cry. See! See! These are real tears, in case you didn't notice.
       Knock! Knock!
       "Who is it?"
       "Got some chickens out here for you."
       "What? We didn't order any chickens."
       "Yeah, well come on out and tell that to the chickens. They say they're just...coming home to roost."  

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Subpoena the Easter Bunny?

       When former IRS Commissioner Douglas Shulman was asked whether he had ever informed anyone in the White House about the brewing 'scandelle', he replied that he had not.
       In 118 visits to the White House, the subject had never come up? Not even in casual conversation? No, he couldn't recall that it ever had.
       Could he remember exactly why he had been to the White House 118 times in the two years before the last election? Could he even remember one visit?
       "Um, the Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn with my kids." [actual quote]
       Try that next time an IRS agent comes calling to ask how you're living in a house worth more than the gross domestic product of Canada but have never had any reportable income. Oh yeah, and why the 118 visits to the Cayman Islands in the past two years.
       "Um, snorkling with my kids."
       Apparently nobody, except for maybe Tiger Woods, tells President Most-Transparent-and-Honest-Administration-in-History anything. The White House chief of staff and chief counsel, as well as other high administration officials knew about the IRS business over a year ago but nobody ever told the president. 
       "Mr. President, did anybody in the White House know about the IRS scandal?"
       "I didn't know anything about it until I read about it in the papers."
       "Mr. President, with all due respect, the question wasn't what you knew. It was about whether anyone in the White House knew. With all due respect again, Sir, this all happened before the last election and some have suggested that it might possibly have effected the outcome if it had become known."   
       "Ok, well, got to go now. 'E pluribus unum,' baby (got to show the kids that I'm still cool). 'E pluribus unum.'  [trans. 'The Easter bunny ate my homework.']