Here Come the Chickens

       The Department of Justice last week announced that it's considering sending federal monitors to New York City to monitor the NYPD's  'stop and frisk' policy because it might be unconstitutional and might even be in violation of the right to due process of many in New York's minority communities.

        What?! Federal monitors in New York?!
        But, but, federal monitors are supposed to go to Mississippi and Alabama and Georgia and South Carolina and places like that. They need federal monitors down there because they're... the South!!!

       We don't need federal monitors. We're the North. We're liberals and progressives and...Democrats. We go to Central Park and do the wave. Then we sing about poverty and social justice and racial harmony. It's so sad it sometimes makes us cry. See! See! These are real tears, in case you didn't notice. 
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       Knock! Knock!

       "Who is it?"

       "Got some chickens out here for you."

       "What? We didn't order any chickens."

       "Yeah, well come on out and tell that to the chickens. They say they're just...coming home to roost."  

Subpoena the Easter Bunny?

       When former IRS Commissioner Douglas Shulman was asked whether he had ever informed anyone in the White House about the brewing 'scandelle', he replied that he had not.

       In 118 visits to the White House, the subject had never come up? Not even in casual conversation? No, he couldn't recall that it ever had.

       Could he remember exactly why he had been to the White House 118 times in the two years before the last election? Could he even remember one visit?

       "Um, the Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn with my kids." [actual quote]

       Try that next time an IRS agent comes calling to ask how you're living in a house worth more than the gross domestic product of Canada but have never had any reportable income. Oh yeah, and why the 118 visits to the Cayman Islands in the past two years.

       "Um, snorkling with my kids."

       Apparently nobody, except for maybe Tiger Woods, tells President Most-Transparent-and-Honest-Administration-in-History anything. The White House chief of staff and chief counsel, as well as other high administration officials knew about the IRS business over a year ago but nobody ever told the president. 

       "Mr. President, did anybody in the White House know about the IRS scandal?"

       "I didn't know anything about it until I read about it in the papers."

       "Mr. President, with all due respect, the question wasn't what you knew. It was about whether anyone in the White House knew. With all due respect again, Sir, this all happened before the last election and some have suggested that it might possibly have effected the outcome if it had become known."   

       "Ok, well, got to go now. 'E pluribus unum,' baby (got to show the kids that I'm still cool). 'E pluribus unum.'  [trans. 'The Easter bunny ate my homework.']  

'Weinerville'

       Ex-Congressman/former underwear model Anthony Wiener is running for Mayor of New York City. No big deal. This is America. Anyone can run for anything.

       What is more interesting is that Weiner and Weiner are reporting a joint income of almost half a million dollars for 2012, the bulk of which came from Anthony's new consulting business. What is he consulting about? Well, navigating the rules and regulations that he helped write while he was in Congress, of course.

       So, let's see, Mr. Smith, or Mr. Weiner, goes to Washington and spends his (or her) time writing laws that are too incomprehensible for any 'normal' human to understand. Then one day, he (or she) retires, gets dressed, and spends the rest of his (or her) life being paid a ton of money to interpret these laws for people who will have their savings confiscated and maybe even go to jail if they get it wrong. 

       Is this a great country or what?!

       The Founders named the capitol 'Washington' after a guy who was thought to symbolize integrity, honesty...what they thought the new government ought to represent.  Maybe time for a name change?

The Madonna Factor

         "Osama, that American singer, now she sings of being like a virgin. She is mocking The Messenger and Allah!"

       "You are right, Mohamed. We can not allow this. Go and call Khalid, Nawaf, and Ziad. Then get 15 more. Go to America. Take flight training. When you are ready, you must hijack several American airplanes. Fly them into tall buildings, the taller the better. Forget your family, your friends, the wonderful life you had planned. This will not stand."

       "Okay, Osama. But one thing..."      

       "Yes, Mohamed?" 

        "That 'stand' business. Please, no more George Bush impersonations."

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       Does anyone really believe that the problem we're facing is people who hate us just because they don't like our way of life, our freedoms? That they hate us so much that they would come all the way over here and kill us, and themselves, just because they don't like the way we live, our music, our movies?  Whew! Talk about being 'killed' by a bad review in the Times.
       Does that really make any sense? Could there be more to it than just that?

       Hard to believe but there was a time when America was widely respected and admired in the Middle East. We had the same freedoms then that we have now, similar way of life, maybe slightly different music and culture but not really all that different. Of course, that was also before oil became such an issue. And before we were supporting the Shah, the Saudi royal family and all the rest. Just a coincidence?

       Think it might have made a difference if we weren't always the ones backing those guys? Who knows? There are fringe people everywhere and they're always looking for an excuse to do bad things to people. But still...

       Maybe The Founders really were onto something with that business about staying out of everyone else's affairs, i.e., "Peace, commerce and friendly relations with all nations, entangling alliances with none." Worth a try? For a change? Maybe. 

Willie Sutton Goes to Cyprus

      Willie Sutton was a notorious American bank robber.

       When asked why he robbed banks, he answered with a phrase that has become part of the American Lexicon as well as of the oath taken upon graduation by law school students everywhere, i.e.,  'That's where the money is.'

       Cyprus is an island nation in the Mediterranean Sea and is a member of the European Union. Like many other members of that proud organization [Proud of what? Nobody knows.], the government of Cyprus recently discovered that money does not, in fact, grow on fig trees,

       "Dimitrius, my fellow Minister. We will have to give up our fine villas, our cars. Hummus will no longer flow in the rivers. What will we do?"

       "Relax, Pecunius. I have just finished reading a very interesting book about a famous  American back robber. I think I have an idea."

       And, so, the Cypriot government decided to take 10% out of all the deposits in all the banks of Cyprus. Just push a computer key and (Slurp!) 10% of your money is now in the treasury of the government of Cyprus. What could be easier? No bills to send. No stamps to buy. They're actually doing it for your own good. Just, click, click, and it's done. If only Willie Sutton had had a computer...

       Think it couldn't happen here in America? Think again. 

       The Cyprus tax is just another type of 'ad valorem' tax, i.e., a tax 'according to value.' We already have taxes like that, e.g., real estate taxes, car taxes (in states that levy a yearly tax on the value of your car), estate taxes. Not that different from a tax on the value of your savings.

       Next time you hear, 'spread the wealth...', 'more investments...', 'you're entitled...', just substitute, 'Click, click. Slurp, slurp!' Then go out and buy the biggest mattress you can find so that you'll have a place to store what's left of your life savings.

President Adopts 'Compromise Stance' In Negotiations With House Republicans

Pete Souza

Hagels and Bagels

       When the President nominated former Senator Chuck Hagel to be Secretary of Defense, it was revealed that he had said that many people were intimidated by the 'Israeli lobby.'  I know he said 'Jewish' lobby but he's from Nebraska. Jews, blacks, transgenders, New Yorkers...all the same. He meant 'Israeli.'

       Anyway, so is there an Israeli lobby? 

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       Washington, D.C. - May 24, 2011 - 1:00 P.M. : Congressman remains seated during

                  24th standing ovation for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu as he

                  delivers historic address to joint session of Congress. 

        Washington, D.C. - May 24, 2011 - 1:01 P.M. : Primary challenge rumored for

                  'sleeping Congressman.'

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       Of course there's an Israeli lobby! And of course there's also a Black lobby, a gay lobby,  a General Electric lobby, a Screen Actors Guild lobby, an AFL-CIO lobby...There's even rumored to be a 'lobby' lobby for tenants living in pre-WWII apartments and whose landlords won't paint...the lobby. Washington is a lobby town.