Free Pizza

        Why is the president so proud of all the millions of people who are signing up for Medicaid? It's free health insurance. Who refuses 'free?' 

        And the millions who the Congressional Budget Office now says will be working less hours or quitting their jobs altogether so they'll be eligible for free or subsidized insurance? More pride?

                                                            ***

      "Want some pizza?"

      "No thanks. I just ate."

      "It's free."

       "Hmm, in that case, ok. I'll take it home for later."

       "I can throw on some pepperoni for a buck."

        "No, thanks. Pepperoni gives me heartburn."

        "Quit your job and it's free too."

        "Ok. I could use a rest. Throw it on. My wife will eat it."

Question #1: What's the difference between free pizza and free health insurance?

       Ans.: Free pizza has tomato sauce.

Question #2: Who's going to pay for all this 'free' stuff?

       Ans.: "Mirror, mirror, on the wall..."

"Take my apology, please"

        When asked about the millions of Americans who are losing their health care plans as a result of the Affordable Care Act, President Obama would often respond,

        "I am very sorry that they...are finding themselves in this situation based on assurances they got from me."

        What did he say? Is that really an apology or is it more like an apologoid, the way a humanoid robot is a lot like a human but, somehow...isn't really a human? Similar, but not the same. Not really.

        In an apology, you're supposed to take responsibility for what you did, say that you're really sorry you did it and that you'll do what you can to make it better and won't ever do it again. This 'apology' was more like,

        "I was sorry to hear about your health insurance, Mrs. Goldberg. Here, I brought you some cookies."

         "Thank you, Mr. President. That was very thoughtful of you." 

Have A Heart or...Maybe A Kidney

       "Of course I'm pro-choice. A woman owns her body and can do what she wants with it."

       "Even give part of it away? Donate a kidney?"

       "Of course. It's her body."

       "Haw about if she wants to sell a kidney to someone? It's her body, right?"

       "No! Definitely not! Rich people would get all the kidneys and poor people would just...die. What are you, some kind of a damn...Republican?!"

                                                               *** 

       Each year, over six thousand Americans die waiting for a kidney transplant. Many more thousands die waiting for liver, lung or heart transplants. 

        Suppose the gov't allowed a free market in buying and selling human organs with regulation to prevent fraud and assure informed consent. Maybe sounds a little ghoulish (unless you happen to need a transplant, in which case it sounds...enlightened) but, nevertheless, what would be the result?

        Well, if you were rich enough, you would probably offer a lot of money to buy an organ right away (it's possible to live a perfectly normal life with only one kidney, and with liver and lung, you would offer to buy only a piece of the organ). In the case of a heart, you would, of course, have to make an offer to the family of the deceased.

         Now you're off the list(s) and everyone below you moves up a notch. What's wrong with that? The rich get their transplants the fastest but most everyone else gets theirs faster now that there are fewer people on the list. 

       And finally, isn't this exactly the kind of thing that insurance was designed for, i.e. a lot of people paying a small amount each year so that if they are someday one of the relatively few who need to purchase an organ for transplantation, it wouldn't bankrupt them?

        And. of course, there's no reason that any of this would ever have to become compulsory. If you're not interested in a transplant and would prefer dialysis, well, "If you like your kidney, you can kee..." No, really.

Syria, Beyond a Reasonable Doubt?

        On August 4, 1964, two American destroyers, the USS Maddox and the USS Turner Joy, were operating in the Gulf of Tonkin when they were attacked by...no one.

        Relying on 'faulty intelligence' claiming that the destroyers were attacked by North Vietnamese naval forces, Congress passed the Tonkin Gulf Resolution which provided the legal basis for the Vietnam War during which over 50,000 Americans, an estimated two million Vietnamese and several hundred thousand Laotians and Cambodians were killed. Oh, well. Mistakes happen. Don't blame us. We only work here.

          And in 2003, in Iraq,

              "You got the WMD's?"

              "No, I thought you had them."

              "Hmm, maybe I left them in my other pants."

        And now, it's Syria's turn. Anybody know why we're getting involved in a sectarian, tribal, civil war when we can't even tell the good guys from the bad,
                                                                   ***

            "Who was that Shiite I saw you with last nite?"

            "That was no Shiite. That was my Sunni."
                                                                   ***

        If only the moderates would have an 'M' stamped on their foreheads and the Jihadi terrorists, a 'T.J.' (Arabic is read from right to left), it would all be so much simpler. 

Here Come the Chickens

       The Department of Justice last week announced that it's considering sending federal monitors to New York City to monitor the NYPD's  'stop and frisk' policy because it might be unconstitutional and might even be in violation of the right to due process of many in New York's minority communities.

        What?! Federal monitors in New York?!
        But, but, federal monitors are supposed to go to Mississippi and Alabama and Georgia and South Carolina and places like that. They need federal monitors down there because they're... the South!!!

       We don't need federal monitors. We're the North. We're liberals and progressives and...Democrats. We go to Central Park and do the wave. Then we sing about poverty and social justice and racial harmony. It's so sad it sometimes makes us cry. See! See! These are real tears, in case you didn't notice. 
                                                                 ***

       Knock! Knock!

       "Who is it?"

       "Got some chickens out here for you."

       "What? We didn't order any chickens."

       "Yeah, well come on out and tell that to the chickens. They say they're just...coming home to roost."  

Subpoena the Easter Bunny?

       When former IRS Commissioner Douglas Shulman was asked whether he had ever informed anyone in the White House about the brewing 'scandelle', he replied that he had not.

       In 118 visits to the White House, the subject had never come up? Not even in casual conversation? No, he couldn't recall that it ever had.

       Could he remember exactly why he had been to the White House 118 times in the two years before the last election? Could he even remember one visit?

       "Um, the Easter Egg Roll on the White House lawn with my kids." [actual quote]

       Try that next time an IRS agent comes calling to ask how you're living in a house worth more than the gross domestic product of Canada but have never had any reportable income. Oh yeah, and why the 118 visits to the Cayman Islands in the past two years.

       "Um, snorkling with my kids."

       Apparently nobody, except for maybe Tiger Woods, tells President Most-Transparent-and-Honest-Administration-in-History anything. The White House chief of staff and chief counsel, as well as other high administration officials knew about the IRS business over a year ago but nobody ever told the president. 

       "Mr. President, did anybody in the White House know about the IRS scandal?"

       "I didn't know anything about it until I read about it in the papers."

       "Mr. President, with all due respect, the question wasn't what you knew. It was about whether anyone in the White House knew. With all due respect again, Sir, this all happened before the last election and some have suggested that it might possibly have effected the outcome if it had become known."   

       "Ok, well, got to go now. 'E pluribus unum,' baby (got to show the kids that I'm still cool). 'E pluribus unum.'  [trans. 'The Easter bunny ate my homework.']  

'Weinerville'

       Ex-Congressman/former underwear model Anthony Wiener is running for Mayor of New York City. No big deal. This is America. Anyone can run for anything.

       What is more interesting is that Weiner and Weiner are reporting a joint income of almost half a million dollars for 2012, the bulk of which came from Anthony's new consulting business. What is he consulting about? Well, navigating the rules and regulations that he helped write while he was in Congress, of course.

       So, let's see, Mr. Smith, or Mr. Weiner, goes to Washington and spends his (or her) time writing laws that are too incomprehensible for any 'normal' human to understand. Then one day, he (or she) retires, gets dressed, and spends the rest of his (or her) life being paid a ton of money to interpret these laws for people who will have their savings confiscated and maybe even go to jail if they get it wrong. 

       Is this a great country or what?!

       The Founders named the capitol 'Washington' after a guy who was thought to symbolize integrity, honesty...what they thought the new government ought to represent.  Maybe time for a name change?