Phony Scandals? Oh, Never Mind

        Last week, the president went on the road to explain that everything would be fine if only people in Washington, i.e. Congressional Republicans, would stop inventing all those 'phony scandals.'

       He probably meant the phony IRS scandal (who was that conservative I saw you with last nite?) or the phony Benghazi scandal (where was the president and what was he doing? and, when he got to Las Vegas next morning for that fund raiser, "were the eggs prepared just the way you like them, Mr. President?") or the  phony 'fast and furious' scandal, etc. 

        Or, as Gilda Radna/Emily Latella would have understood,

        "What's all this fuss about Republicans and phony sandals?! Republicans always wear shoes, even in the shower.      

       "Emily..."

       "And there's nothing phony about sandals anyway. If you didn't have sandals..."  

       "Emily..."

       "...your feet would get all hot and sticky and..."

       "Emily!"

       "What?"

       "Not 'sandals,' Emily. 'Scandals.' The President said that if the Republicans would stop inventing all those phony scandals, the economy would grow like gangbusters and there would be peace in the Middle East and the planet would stop warming and the seas would stop rising and Michelle might let him back in the family quarters so he wouldn't have to sleep on the couch in the Oval Office anymore because his back is starting to hurt. Scandals, Emily. The President said that the Republicans are inventing phony scandals."

       "Oh. Never mind." 

The 'Georgie People'

      George Washington hated slavery,

      "Feh, pooh, yech, phooey. I hate slavery," he would often say.

      But yet, George and Martha Washington kept slaves. One day, he decided to do something about it. He called to his wife,

       "Martha, I hate slavery. It's cruel and inhuman."

       "Yes, Georgie. I know. You are a good and kind and just man. Everyone always says that about you."

       "And so, I've decided to free our slaves."

      "Yes, Georgie. You...what?!"

       "That's right, Martha. We talked about this before. Slavery is evil. I can't live with the guilt anymore. We've got to free our slaves."

       "But, Georgie. Slaves are so nice. They take such good care of us. They work  like...slaves."

       "I'm sorry, Martha. No sense in discussing it any further. My mind is made up. We're freeing the slaves, but not right away."

                                                                 ***

      And so George Washington added a codicil to his Will that freed all his slaves upon the death of both George and Martha and he immediately got a warm, fuzzy feeling because he knew that he was doing the right thing. 

      No one ever mentioned, at least not when he was within earshot, that George Washington had no heirs and so his slaves would have gone free upon his death anyway. Of course, he could have freed them while he was still alive...but, 'they were so nice.'

      And to this day, many honor the memory of the father of our country, each in his or her own way,

                                                               *

      The rich want to pay higher taxes than their maids so they hire accountants to help them lower their taxes (Huh?) and they get a warm, fuzzy feeling, especially when they go on the Late Show, because 'tax fairness' is a good thing.

                                                                 *

      Supporters of the public schools, regardless of where they send their own kids, get a warm, fuzzy feeling whenever they talk about the importance of public education because 'public education built this country' and is a good thing...for your kids. Vouchers for the poor? Nope. Would destroy the public school system.

                                                                 *

       Live Aid, Farm Aid, Let's-go-to-the-park-and-cry-and-do-the-wave-and-have-a-concert Aid all give everyone a warm, fuzzy feeling because singing about the poor is a VERY good thing. Just ask any poor person.   

      Diversity for me. Diversity for you. So, why do all my neighbors look just like me?

Buffeted by Buffett

     I like Warren Buffett.

     He's smart, lives relatively modestly (for a billionaire, that is), doesn't believe in spoiling his kids, is giving the bulk of his fortune to charity and, unlike most of America, is older than me. Most everyone else also likes and respects Warren Buffett.

      So, when Warren Buffett says that America is a rich country and that rich people don't pay their fair share and should pay more in taxes, he's saying what most people believe anyway. And now, it must be true, because WARREN BUFFETT also says it's true. Soak the Rich and Spread the Wealth can go right up there with E Pluribus Unum.

     But, wait a minute. With the possible exception of Kuwait, which is floating on a sea of oil so vast that you can poke a stick in the ground and it'll squirt out like borscht,  there are no 'rich countries.' Not America, not anywhere. There are only countries in which a lot of rich people live.

     The reason this difference is so important is that, if you live in a 'rich country' and you're a citizen, you're clearly entitled to some of the wealth. Hey, it's yours. On the other hand, if you live in a country with a lot of rich people and your neighbor happens to be one of them, well, 'what's it to you, buddy?'  

Jail The Teachers?

         "If you’ve got a business — you didn’t build that. Somebody else made that happen...There was a great teacher somewhere in your life....government built the roads and bridges..." and so on.

                                                               ***

        But if you're not responsible for your success, if it was do to 'a great teacher somewhere' or some government something-or-other, then who's responsible for the kids who didn't turn out so well? If you robbed a business instead of starting one, who should go to jail? (Anyone remember the name of little Bernie Madoff's first grade teacher? Where she lives? What size handcuffs she wears?)

       If you're ambitious enough and hard working enough (and, yeah, smart enough) to follow your passion and get it right, then of course you're the one who made it happen, who built it. Don't listen to anyone who tries to take it away from you.

        The ceiling of the Sistine Chapel was painted by Michaelangelo, not the carpenters who built the scaffolding he was lying on.

"Calling Mayor Mike. Calling Mayor Mike."

      The man in the blue spandex suit crouched patiently and waited as the armada of 

 32 oz. cups of sweetened beverages approached, or at least seemed to.   

      "Take that, and that, and that," he shouted, being careful to avoid tripping over his flowing red cape as he  struck each one in turn. "Make my New Yorkers fat, will you? Not while I'm mayor, you won't. Do you see this 'S' on my chest? Once it stood for 'smokes'. Then for 'salt'. Now it stands for you! Sweetened beverages! Ha, ha, ha? Go ahead and laugh. They laughed at Socrates too."

       "Nobody laughed at Socrates. They poisoned him."

       "Who said that?"

       "Me."

       "Who's 'me?' Where are you?"

       "Up here on top of the curtains, Michael. I'm your Rational Self."

       "Well, speak louder. I can hardly hear you."

       "So I've been told."

        "Well, what do you want?"

       "I want you to leave everyone alone before someone decides to poison you too. You're becoming a pest and you're driving people crazy. And, most important, what happens to you, happens to me. We're joined at the unconscious."

       "I just wanted to help. I want everyone to be healthy."        

       "They're adults, Michael. They all have to make their own decisions, more healthy living, less healthy living, in-between healthy living.  There's no right answer. It's not 'one size fits all.' Keep the streets clean and the snow shoveled and people will love you and remember you as a great mayor."       

       "Look at this. I'm attached to a philosopher."       

       "Come, we'll have a couple of Cokes."

        "16 oz.?"       

        "What a pickle you are."

        "No, too much salt."

        "Your choice, Mr. Mayor...as it should be."

Raise My Taxes

                                                             ***

       "You sure he's deaf?"

       "As a stone."

       "Congressman, I came to see you today because, well, I feel a little guilty. I've done pretty well over the years and well, I really think my taxes should be raised."

        " You're a fine American. Good to see there's still some like you around. Done!"

        "Done?! What's done? Wait, I was only kidding. I..."

        "What did he say? Can't hear a word. Damn hearing aids. One minute they're working. Next, you're deaf as a stone." 

                                                                 ***

       If life has been good to you and you've been saying, for what seems like forever, and on every talk show that will have you, that you want Congress to raise your taxes because 'it's only fair' or because you shouldn't be 'paying taxes at a lower rate than your secretary' and, if it sometimes seems that nobody is listening, we have great news for you!

       You can raise your taxes right now. Today.

       Just go get your Form 1040 and turn to page 2. On line 76, 'Amount You Owe,' right after the number that your accountant told you that you HAVE to pay this year, put in a little plus sign. Then, right after the plus sign (+), put in a number for all the extra taxes that you WANT to pay and know that you should pay.

       That's it!

      So, Warren and Bill and Barack and Nouriel and Matt and Russell and Chris and Chelsea and...(fill in your name here),  go get your checkbook and you're ready to rock and roll! If the dog eats your checkbook, call the bank and you'll have another one before you can say, "Take my taxes, please." 

We're All Catholics Now (or maybe we ought to be)

        Under Obamacare, Catholic Institutions, including charities, schools and hospitals, would be required to provide and pay for contraception, sterilization, and abortion-producing drugs for all employees in their health plans or follow the teachings of The Church and of their consciences and pay huge multi-million dollar fines.

       The justification, of course, is to protect women's health (or is that women's 'votes'?). Looks like Nancy Pelosi was righter than any of us thought when she said to vote for ObamaCare so we could find out what's in it. If only we had known...      

        And it doesn't matter, it's not an excuse, that most women, Catholic or otherwise, accept these practices.   

        Will we next accept that Yeshivahs be forced to offer free milk at every meal, even when they're serving meat, in order to protect children's health (and, of course, to fight the 'obesity epidemic') and would it be okay because most Jews don't keep kosher anyway?       

        I wonder what's in store for the Protestants and the Muslims and the Buddhists and the Sikhs and..... 

        "First they came for the Catholics and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a Catholic. Then they came for the....Then they came for....Then they came....Then they came for me and there was no one left to speak out for me."