Saturday, June 26, 2021

Who Was That Binary I Saw You With Last Nite?


        When my grandparents came to America, they spoke only Yiddish. 
        "Hallo. Ich denkt os mir vilt hobben tzvey bageluch und a bisselah crim cheese." ["Hello. I think that I would like to have two bagels and a little cream cheese."]
        To which the response from the grocery clerk was generally, "Hey Grandpa. This is America. Speak English."
        Since Jews dislike going hungry only slightly less than they like changing flat tires, my grandparents, and everyone else's grandparents, eventually learnt English and got all the bagels and cream cheese they could eat, which is...quite a lot. Interestingly, no one ever suggested that the rest of America had an obligation to learn Yiddish.
        Of course, the times they are, as they say, a-changing. If my grandparents were around today, they might have to hold the cream cheese or, at least, skip the bagels.
        "Hello. I would like you to give me two bagels and a little cream cheese."
        "What? What. You don't have cream cheese? The bagels are stale?"
        "You called me 'you.' My pronoun is 'they' or 'them' or 'zeit' or maybe 'zisssel.' But you didn't even care enough to ask. N-o-o-o-o, not you. Not Mr. Who Cares What's a Person's Pronoun. You're much too important for that.You, you, racist you!"
        "Moma! Moma! Vos is doos? Vos is da mahr mit im?" [Moma! Moma! What is this? What is the matter with him?"]
        Now, if only the world would just learn to speak Yiddish. Life would be so much simpler....and probably funnier too.

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